The flaming turd that is the 2013-2014 Cleveland Cavaliers

The joy of playing for Mike Brown

I find this season's Cavs games to be wildly entertaining in a sort of inverted way—they're so bad it's almost fun to watch. There's Mike Brown with all the charisma and intelligence of a very large chair. There's Anthony "Captain Fatty Garbage Truck" Bennett looking utterly lost and jacking up the worst shots I've ever seen on any level including that time I set up a mirror in the driveway. There's Jarrett Jack and Dion Waiters hoisting 18 footers (statistically the worst shot in basketball) with 21 seconds left on the shot clock. There's Tristan Thompson getting blocked on every field goal attempt that isn't a putrid sort of "push" thing from 10 feet away. And of course there's Kyrie Irving dribbling around pretending his teammates don't exist and playing with all the passion of a Russian porn-slave (*completely deadpan, no emotion in the face, to the point of slight zombification*: "I am playing hard. I want to win"). There's Luol Deng constantly pinching himself to wake up from his/our nightmare. And there's Matthew Dellavedova showing the only hustle on the team and then not being put into the game by a coach who, circling back around to it, couldn't win a championship with LeBron James and Kobe Bryant. And all of it is being orchestrated by Dan "I'm Going To Suck Every Dollar Out Of Cleveland And Detroit That I Can" Gilbert and Chris "I'm Tall And Still Have My Hair, So That's Why I Was Hired And Still Have A Job, Presumably" Grant. Kudos, gentlemen! (That is, keep the Kudos chocolate bars away from Captain Fatty Garbage Truck!)

In closing, here's a little song I wrote just now:

There's a brand-new dance goin' round the town: 

It's called the Fire Mike Brown, the Fire Mike Brown.

Still got ants in your pants? They got a dance for that! 

It's called the Fire Chris Grant, the Fire Chris Grant.

And really what's it gonna take to get ol' Gilbert outta his shell, 

While we do a dance in Cleveland called Sucking Cocks in Hell?

So Fire Mike Brown (Again!) 

Fire Mike Brown (Again, You Rich Stupid Bastards!) 

DanielDonatelli
@gonefiction